When Wizard's Watch TV
by Draco Malfoy
Summary: All your favorite Wizarding TV shows! Please Read and Review MY ALLTIME FUNNIEST FIC


**THE WIZARD TV SHOWS  
****_a/n- these are spoofs of classic TV shows Theme songs  
  
_** In the Great Hall the entire student body has come to watch Wizarding NBC's new fall lineup preview. Harry Potter and gang get front row seats. Dumbledore turns on the 140 inch widescreen TV with his remote and a announcer appears.**_  
  
_**TV Announcer-Wizarding NBC is proud to present our new fall lineup we will bring back classics and have some additions so here is a sneak preview of what is to come:  
  
**THE MALFOYS** _setting-Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, The Weasley's and Crabbe and Goyle, singing a Flintstone's rip off_  
  
Malfoys. Meet the Malfoys.  
They're the modern wizard pureblood family.  
From the town of London,  
They're a page right out of a Dark Magic history.  
  
Let's ride with the family down the street.  
Through the courtesy of Draco's nimbus 2001.  
  
When you're with the Malfoys  
you'll have a mudblood hating time.  
A mudblood hating time.  
You'll have a bad old time.  
  
**All in the Wizards **_setting- Mr. and Mrs. Weasley at the piano_  
  
Boy the way Serverus Snape played   
Songs that made the hit parade.   
Guys like us we had it made,   
Those were the days.   
  
And you knew who you were then,   
Squibs were squibs and wizards were wizards,   
Mister we could use a man   
Like Lucius Malfoy again.   
  
Didn't need no muggle state,   
Every wizard pulled his weight.   
Gee our old Potter ran great.   
Those were the days.   
  
**Tom Riddle Hillbillies **_setting- Draco flying around Little Hagleton with a guitar and singing_  
  
Come and listen to a story about a man named Tom  
A poor orphan, barely kept his own self fed,  
Then one day he was walking through Little Hagleton,  
And up through the wand came a big blast.  
  
Unforgivable that is, Avada Kedavra, Killin' Curse.  
  
Well the first thing you know ol Tom's a wanted man,  
Death Eaters said "Tom can we follow you?"  
Said "Godric's Hollow is the place you ought to be"  
So they loaded up the broom and started to kill some people.  
  
Mudbloods, that is. not purebloods, muggle borns.  
  
Well now its time to say good by to Tom and all of his name.  
And they would him to create a new name they would never speak.  
You're all invited to say his name locality _Voldemort_  
To have a heapin helpin of their hospitality and say oh he is You Know Who  
  
Voldemort that is. Set a spell, drop your wand.  
  
Y'all won't come back now, AVADA KEDAVRA!   
  
**Draco's Isle**_-Gilligan's Isle theme_  
  
Just sit right back and you'll hear a tale,  
A tale of a fateful trip  
That started from this magic port  
Aboard this tiny magic carpet.  
  
The mate was a mighty flying man(Harry Potter),  
The skipper brave and sure (Albus Dumbledore).  
Seven passengers set flight that day  
For a three hour tour, a three hour tour.  
  
The weather started getting rough,  
The tiny rug was tossed,  
If not for the courage of the fearless crew  
The Malfoy(the ships name) would be lost, the Malfoy would be lost.  
  
The carpet fell down on the shore of this uncharted desert isle  
With Potter  
Albus Dumbledore too,  
The millionaire(Draco) and his wife(Pansy),  
The movie star(cho)  
The professor(Snape) and Hermione,  
Here on Draco's Isle.  
  
So this is the tale of the wizards,   
They're here for a long, long time,   
They'll have to make the best of things,  
It's an uphill climb.   
  
The first mate and the Skipper too,   
Will do their very best,   
To make the others comfortable,   
In the tropic island nest.   
  
No wands, no candles no magic brooms,   
Not a single luxury,  
Like Godric Gryffindor,   
As muggle as can be.   
  
So join us here each week my freinds,   
You're sure to get a smile,   
From seven stranded wizards,   
Here on "Draco's Isle."   
  
**Hogwarts****_-Green Acres Theme_**  
  
Hogwarts is the place for me.   
castin spells is the life for me.   
Castle spreadin' out so far and wide   
Keep London, just give me that magic place.   
  
London is where I'd rather stay.   
I go crazy doing charms.   
I just adore a TV Show.   
Dah-ling I love you but get me to Kings Cross now.   
  
...The hexes   
...The rolling stones  
...Learn Spells.   
...Heathrow Airport  
  
You are my wife.   
Good bye, ,muggle life.   
Hogwarts we are there.   
  
**Hogwarts Express****_-The Jefferson's Theme_**  
  
Well we're heading across,  
To the great school.  
To fly a broom in the sky.  
heading across  
on the country side.  
We finally got a piece of Hogsmeade Station.  
  
Charms don't summon in the kitchen;  
Elves don't burn on the grill.  
Took a whole lotta tryin'  
Just to get across England.  
Now we're up with teh big leagues  
Snape will hit us with a bat.  
As long as we live, it's you and me baby  
There ain't nothin wrong with that.  
  
Well we're heading across,  
To the great school.  
To fly a broom in the sky.  
heading across  
on the country side.  
We finally got a piece of Hogsmeade Station.  
  
**Death Eater Anthem****_-Lucius Malfoy and Voldemort skipping down a street in Knockturn Alley. Laverne and Shirly spoof._**  
  
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.  
Avada Kedavra ,Death Eaters incorporated.  
We're gonna do it!  
  
Give us any muggle, we'll kill it.  
Give us any rule, we'll break it.  
We're gonna make nightmares come true.  
Doin' it our way.  
  
Potter tries to turn us back now,  
Straight ahead and through the wand now.  
We're gonna make nightmares come true,  
Doin' it our way.  
  
There is nothing we won't kill,  
Never heard the words You Know Who.  
This time there's no stopping us.  
We're gonna do it.  
  
On your mark, get set, and go now,  
Got a dream and we will crush it,  
We're gonna make our dreams come true.  
And we'll do it our way, yes our way.  
Make all your nightmares come true,  
And do it our way, yes our way,  
Make all our dreams come true  
For Voldemort.  
  
**Poverty****_- THEME FROM FRIENDS. HERMIONE or HARRY ABOUT RON_**  
  
So no one told you life was going to be this way.  
Your wand's a joke, you're broke, you're love life's DOA.  
It's like you're always stuck in sixth gear,  
Well, it hasn't been your wand, your robes, your pet, or even your date.  
  
But, I'll be there for you, when the dress robes start to come.  
I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.  
I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too.  
  
You're still in bed at ten, Gryffindor gets up at seven.  
You've earned a breakfast, so far, things are going great.  
Your mother didn't want you there for days like these,  
But she didn't tell you when the world has much more than you .  
  
That, I'll be there for you, when the Malfoy starts to sneer.  
I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.  
I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too.  
  
No one could ever know me, no one could ever see me.  
Seems like you're the only one who knows what it's like to be you.  
Someone to face the day with, make it through all the rest with,  
Someone I'll always laugh with, even at my worst, I'm best with you.  
  
It's like you're always stuck in sixth gear,  
Well, it hasn't been your wand, your robes, your pet, or even your date.  
  
But, I'll be there for you, when the rain starts to pour.  
I'll be there for you, like I've been there before.  
I'll be there for you, cause you're there for me too.  
  
**The Malfoy Family**  
  
They're creepy and they're kooky,  
Mysterious and spooky,  
They're all together ooky,  
The Malfoy Family.  
  
Their house is a museum  
Where people don't come to see 'em  
They really are a scream  
The Malfoy Family.  
  
(Neat)  
(Sweet)  
(Petite)  
  
So get a witches shawl on  
A broomstick you can crawl on  
We're gonna pay a call on   
The Malfoy Family  
  
**THE TWILIGHT ZONE**_-picture Percy Weasley standing in Space, talking about today's episode_  
  
**It's A good life****_-remember the one about the monster boy, well this is a different version of it_**  
Tonight's story on The Twilight Zone is somewhat unique and calls for a different kind of introduction. This, as you may recognize, is a map of England, and there's a town there called London. On a given morning not too long ago, the rest of the world disappeared and London was left all alone. Its inhabitants were never sure whether the world was destroyed and only London left untouched or whether the village had somehow been taken away. They were, on the other hand, sure of one thing: the cause. A monster had arrived in the village. Just by using his mind, he took away the automobiles, the electricity, the machines - because they displeased him - and he moved an entire community back into the dark ages - just by using his mind. Now I'd like to introduce you to some of the people in London England. This is Mr. Malfoy. It's in his Mansion that the monster resides. This is Mrs. Malfoy. And this is Albus Dumbledore, who probably had more control over the monster in the beginning than almost anyone. But one day he forgot. He began to sing aloud. Now, the monster doesn't like singing, so his mind snapped at him, turned him into the smiling, vacant thing you're looking at now. He sings no more. And you'll note that the people in London, England have to smile. They have to think happy thoughts and say happy things because once displeased, the monster can wish them into a cornfield or change them into a grotesque, walking horror. This particular monster can read minds, you see. He knows every thought, he can feel every emotion. Oh yes, I did forget something, didn't I? I forgot to introduce you to the monster. This is the monster. His name is Draco Malfoy . He's fourteen years old, with a nice adolescent face and blue, guileless eyes. But when those eyes look at you, you'd better start thinking happy thoughts, because the mind behind them is absolutely in charge. This is the Twilight Zone.  
  
**The Old Man in the Cave****_-You may not remember this one, but I do so I decided to put it up, this is only the intro, the end actually is a bit different_**  
What you're looking at is a legacy that man left to himself. A decade previous he pushed his buttons and, a nightmarish moment later, woke up to find that he had set the clock back a thousand years. His engines, his medicines, his science were buried in a mass tomb, covered over by the biggest gravedigger of them all: a bomb. And this is the Earth ten years later, a fragment of what was once a whole, a remnant of what was once a race. The year is 1974, and this is the Twilight Zone.  
  
**It's a Good Life**  
No comment here, no comment at all. We only wanted to introduce you to one of our very special citizens, Draco Malfoy, age 14, who lives in a city called London in a place that used to be England. And if by some strange chance you should run across him, you had best think only good thoughts. Anything less than that is handled at your own risk, because if you do meet Draco you can be sure of one thing: you have entered the Twilight Zone.  
  
**The Old Man in the Cave**  
Mr. Potter, survivor, an eye witness to man's imperfection, an observer of the very human trait of greed and a chronicler of the last chapter, the one reading 'suicide.' Not a prediction of what is to be, just a projection of what could be. This has been the Twilight Zone.  
  
Everyone claps as the preview ends, they cheer when Malfoy steals the remote and turns on Wizarding MTV to Reveal Larson Faly.  
  
Larson-and once again your number one requested video is the Real Draco Malfoy by Draco Malfoy  
  
May I have your attention please?  
May I have your attention please?  
Will the real Draco Malfoy please stand up?  
I repeat, will the real DracoMalfoy please stand up?  
We're gonna have a problem here..  
  
Y'all act like you never seen a Slytherin before  
Jaws all on the floor like Mcgonnagal, like Snape just burst in the door  
and started whoopin her ass worse than before  
they first were professers, throwin her over furniture (Ahh!)  
It's the return of the... "Ah, wait, no way, you're kidding,   
he didn't just say what I think he did, did he?"  
And Dumbledore said... nothing you idiots!   
Dumbledore's dead, he's locked in my basement! (Ha-ha!)  
Feminist women love Draco Malfoy{*vocal turntable:   
chigga chigga chigga*} "Slim Shady, I'm sick of him  
Look at him, walkin around with you-know-who  
Not calling him you-know-who," "Yeah, but he's so cute though!"  
Yeah, I probably got a couple of screws up in my head loose  
But no worse, than what's goin on in mudbloods' bedrooms  
Sometimes, I wanna get on TV and just let loose, but can't  
but it's cool for Harry Potter to hump a dead Granger   
"My bum is on your lips, my bum is on your lips"  
And if I'm lucky, you might just give it a little kiss  
And that's the message that we deliver to little purebloods  
And expect them not to know what a mudblood is  
Of course they gonna know what non purebloods are  
By the time they hit 1st year  
They got the History of magic Class don't they?  
"We ain't nothing but wizards.." Well, some of us muggles   
who cut other people open like mudbloods {*SLURP*}  
But if we can hump dead mudbloods and muggles  
then there's no reason that a Pureblood and another Mudblood can't elope  
{*EWWW!*} But if you feel like I feel, I got the Potion  
Sorcresses wave your pantyhose, sing the chorus and it goes  
  
I'm Draco Malfoy, yes I'm the real Malfoy  
All you other Draco Malfoy's are just imitating  
So won't the real Draco Malfoy please stand up,  
please stand up, please stand up?  
  
I'm Draco Malfoy, yes I'm the real Malfoy  
All you other Draco Malfoy's are just imitating  
So won't the real Draco Malfoy please stand up,  
please stand up, please stand up?  
  
Dementors don't gotta see in their raps to keep criminals pissed;  
well I do, so help them and kill Potter too!  
You think I give a damn about a OWL?  
Half of you teachers can't even stomach me, let alone stand me  
"But Slim, what if you kick ass, wouldn't it be weird?"  
Why? So you guys could just lie to get me to graduation?  
So you can, sit me here next to Hermione Granger?  
Shit, Lavender Brown better switch me chairs  
so I can sit next to Voldemort and Deatheaters   
and hear 'em argue over who he gave them head to kill first  
You little bitch Pansy, put me on blast on WTV(Wizarding television)  
"Yeah, he's cute, but I think he's killed Lily and James too, hee-hee!"  
I should take out a spell book  
and show the whole world how you gave Draco VD {*AHHH!*}  
I'm sick of you little mudbloods and muggles, all you do is annoy me  
so I have been sent here to destroy you {*bzzzt*}  
And there's a million of us just like me  
who cuss like me; who just don't give a fuck like me  
who dress like me; walk, talk and act like me  
and just might be the next best thing but not quite me!  
  
I'm Draco Malfoy, yes I'm the real Malfoy  
All you other Draco Malfoy's are just imitating  
So won't the real Draco Malfoy please stand up,  
please stand up, please stand up?  
  
I'm Draco Malfoy, yes I'm the real Malfoy  
All you other Draco Malfoy's are just imitating  
So won't the real Draco Malfoy please stand up,  
please stand up, please stand up?  
  
I'm like a head trip to listen to, cause I'm only givin you   
things you joke about with your friends inside your living room  
The only difference is I got the wand to say it  
in front of y'all and I don't gotta be false or sugarcoated at all  
I just get on the mic and spit it   
and whether you like to admit it {*ERR*} I just shit it  
better than ninety percent of you wizards out can  
Then you wonder how can kids believe this Slytherins like HP,   
see It's funny; cause at the rate I'm goin when I'm thirty  
I'll be the only person in the nursin home flirting  
Kicking Gryffindor's asses when I'm pissed off with them  
And I'm killing but this whole bottle of Veritaserium isn't working  
And every single person is a Draco Malfoy lurkin  
He could be workin at 3 broomsticks, spittin on your onion rings  
{*HACH*} Or in a Diagon Alley, circling  
Screaming "I don't give a fuck!"   
with his mom pissed and his dad fucked up  
So, will the real Draco please stand up?  
And put one of those fingers on each hand up?  
And be proud to be outta your mind and outta control  
and one more time, loud as you can, how does it go?  
  
I'm Draco Malfoy, yes I'm the real Malfoy  
All you other Draco Malfoy's are just imitating  
So won't the real Draco Malfoy please stand up,  
please stand up, please stand up?  
  
I'm Draco Malfoy, yes I'm the real Malfoy  
All you other Draco Malfoy's are just imitating  
So won't the real Draco Malfoy please stand up,  
please stand up, please stand up?  
  
I'm Draco Malfoy, yes I'm the real Malfoy  
All you other Draco Malfoy's are just imitating  
So won't the real Draco Malfoy please stand up,  
please stand up, please stand up?  
  
I'm Draco Malfoy, yes I'm the real Malfoy  
All you other Draco Malfoy's are just imitating  
So won't the real Draco Malfoy please stand up,  
please stand up, please stand up?  
  
[Dumbledore]  
Ha ha  
Guess there's a Draco Malfoy in all of us  
Fuck it, let's all stand up  
  
The TV shuts off and all the Slytherins clap for Draco as he bows in front of it. The rest boooed. The TV somehow was blown up that night when someone smashed a sledgehammer in the screen.  
  
**_THE END  
  
_**___A/n-The TV is being run by magic, not electricity so do not say they cannot operate a TV. _  



End file.
